From the Compost Heap header. A pencil style illustration of a compost heap with flowers and plants growing around it. A bee buzzes by and a white rabbit hops by.

  • The Neuro Nest

    This project is still in testing mode.

    Contact me to join the first Neuro Nest cohort.

    Read more: The Neuro Nest

  • Neuro Nest Transcript Archive

    Episode 001. Neurodivergent Capacity.

    Episode 000. Rainy Day Test.

    Read more: Neuro Nest Transcript Archive
  • Birdhouse gourds growing up gazebo of green pipes (a greenhouse without the plastic cover added) and a white metal house planter I thrifted beyond with morning glory leaves twining through

    Our first birdhouse gourds!

    Read more: untitled post 156079403

  • Advocacy Resources

    “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.


    “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

    Three vintage protest pins: Try a little kindness (white text on blue.) Save the humans (green text on white and a blue whale.) Peace now (white dove on dark blue.)

    Sometimes the injustice and hurt in the world can feel unbearable. Mr. Roger’s famously said to, “look for the helpers.”

    But, as adults, we also need to be the helpers.

    We can’t single-handedly solve all of the world’s problems.

    But we can collaborate with others to make a difference.

    Two round pins and one pink butterfly patch. The first pin says, "The future is inclusive" and shows a wave and sunrise in pride flag colors. The second says they/them and a flare of rainbow coming off the letters.

    I’m a hypersensitive autistic and struggle with taking on other people’s emotions.

    Before I can advocate for others I have to regulate my own nervous system. Only then do I have capacity to take positive action.

    My hope is that by sharing this list of advocacy resources it can help anyone feeling overwhelmed.

    There are many ways to advocate.

    Many ways as there are to be a human.

    Two round pins. One is a blue and teal nebula with a white infinity symbol. The other is a watercolor wash of rainbow colors in a color wheel spectrum. Typewritten text is collaged on top that says, "autism is a spectrum."

    If you are neurodivergent or chronically ill (like me) some types of advocacy like marches or phone calls may be inaccessible to you.

    But we can make a difference in our own ways.

    Next month’s zine will be ideas to advocate for causes we care about.

    Three round pins. The first is a vintage pin with red flowers that says "Bread not bombs." The second is a black pin with white bird holding a red flower that says "Free Palestine." The third is a circular slice of watermelon.

    Start Here

    I’m creating a resource library with some help from my friends.

    This is just the beginning.

    We’ll be adding to it over time.

    LGBTQIA+
    AUTISM & NEURODIVERGENCE
    PALESTINE
    footnotes

    * The pins pictured are a combination of photographs from my personal collection and images of vintage protest pins found online. I’ve linked their sources here.

    Read more: Advocacy Resources

  • Refining my Online Ecosystem

    After trying out several different blogging and newsletter platforms here’s what I’ve settled on for 2025 (and hopefully beyond!)

    No affiliate links. Just sharing in case it’s helpful.

    Newsletter 💌

    This month I transitioned my monthly newsletter to Buttondown. It’s a paid service, but they do not take a percentage of paid subscriptions. The main reason I chose to move is that Buttondown offers RSS-to-email. Which means it can auto publish your blog posts as a newsletter! This is going to save me HOURS of formatting.

    Beehiiv almost solved this problem by doing the opposite. But the blog posts were always badly formatted with HTML garble-de-gook I had to delete. I did a quick test with Buttondown and the process is super clean.

    I’ve also been able to transition my paid subscribers who more than cover the cost. (I will say Substack’s AI Chat Bot made this as hard as possible, but Buttondown’s customer service is really helpful. Definitely a case of “you get what you pay for.”

    Blog ✏️

    After trying A LOT of blogging platforms I’m back on WordPress.org where I can have everything under one roof. I used WP years ago and wish I’d never moved away. There’s nothing like WordPress when it comes to robust blogging systems.

    I’ve set up a blog with multiple categories (Compost Heap, Zines, Photos, Scraps) and a tag system and I’ll be moving over archives one month at a time. I’m really excited to invest my time into my own website rather than pouring it out into social media.

    WordPress.org is free, but you have to pay for hosting. I’m using Hostinger and it’s too soon to recommend it, but I’ve found their platform easy to manage so far (versus others I’ve used and hated *cough* Bluehost *cough*.) I also love OnlyDomains for easy domain name registration and hosting.

    Podcast 🎧

    I’m also moving my podcast off Substack and back to Red Circle. Because I was an early adopter I was grandfathered in to a lifetime free plan so I may as well be using that.

    Moving the archives and show notes is a long term project.

    Which brings me to…

    Taking my TIme ⌛

    I confess that I haven’t made a clean break with Substack yet.

    At some point I might leave completely, but I may as well take my time with the transition. I’ve taken the nuclear option in the past and lots posts and regretted it.

    There are a few reasons:

    1. I have 172 posts that need to be moved. Many of them are multimedia and have elements that do not export and import easily. If you export Substack files and import to WordPress the photos don’t move and you have to do it manually. (It looks like they are there, but they are loading the photos from Substack’s servers.) It doesn’t even try to move audio files, transcripts, etc. So Self Pub 101 and Crowdfunding 101 will remain there for now.
    2. Anyone who has linked to Substack posts I’ve written will be looking for them there. As I transition out I can leave a breadcrumb for people to find the post on my website, but there’s no quick and easy way to do this.
    3. Since I’m staying for the reasons above I’m also going to take advantage of the “network effects” while they last. Maintaining Substack (my own and Neurokind) as a quarterly newsletter for my publishing imprint.
    4. Keeping a portion of my list on Substack keeps me under the 900 subscriber threshold (when Buttondown when the prices triple.) Anyone who hasn’t opened an email since moving off Substack was moved back into that ecosystem.

    Read more: Refining my Online Ecosystem

  • Home Ed. Rhythms

    I’ve spent a lot of creative energy on a home education rhythm that provides freedom within structure and so I thought I’d document it here.

    DISCLAIMER: Please don’t read this post as a how to. I’m not making any suggestions or judgements for families who do things differently. Every child has their own needs and there are endless ways to home educate. This is what works for us. For now. It may change tomorrow.

    Here’s a peek at our daily rhythms (watercolor clip art from Etsy).

    Gentle Morning

    This list is specifically curated to be things David can do after breakfast without my help. These suggestions are relatively quiet and not overstimulating as I do my morning journaling and write in my journal. Five years into parenting and I’m finally back to Julia Cameron’s morning pages.

    Gentle morning list with watercolor sunshines and lists of options like LEGO, reading, audiobooks, trampoline, drawing, etc.

    David is an early reader so these lists work well for us. At earlier ages I used a lot more pictures. He’s not limited to this list, but it can provide a reminder of what’s possible. After the holidays he spent hours sorting sequins and buttons. It was clearly very regulating and creatively fulfilling activity. He’s only just circled back to LEGO.

    Starting the Day

    Sometime mid morning we’ll find our way to the proper “school” activities. Just as he is learning to respect my work (he calls my morning journaling my “handwriting”) I respect the work he is doing. Whether it is playing with LEGO or “making an invention.” We don’t start our day by the clock.

    When a child is focused on a work it is important to them.

    In the case of an autistic child it may also be fulfilling complex needs that are not immediately obvious.

    (It’s me. I was the autistic child who’s now an autistic parent.)

    Instead of suppressing neurodivergent instincts to move, to stim, to dance, to echo, to hyperfocus…

    What if we really listened to our own bodies & capacities?

    What if we trusted ourselves & our kids more?

    Self advocacy means having autonomy to meet your own needs and pursue your own interests. That means our days are flexible and play blends into learning.

    To be clear (because someone always says it) this doesn’t mean David does “what he wants” all day long.

    Following the child doesn’t mean complete anarchy.

    Stay with me.

    Freedom within Structure

    The central tenant of our home education practice is freedom within structure.

    We have certain types of schoolwork that we do each day.

    Within that framework David has a lot of freedom.

    What emerges is a natural ebb and flow to the day. Periods of concentration and then self regulation. Handwriting then jumping on the trampoline. Math then LEGO.

    I don’t mean to suggest that it’s always easy. But when we find our rhythm and everyone is well regulated there is an ease to our day.

    Home Education Daily Practice with watercolor illustrations. Music, reading, math, writing, español. Choose one: science, geography, computer.

    This semester we’ve shifted Music and Español to daily (instead of weekly). I also added computer because it’s required for testing and we’re preparing for that. But we won’t be doing that every day.

    Art isn’t on the list because mark making (writing and drawing) are seen as the same thing for right now. Some days we draw letters. Some days we draw numbers. Some days we draw shapes. One day for “handwriting” we drew these nested rainbow hearts together. Parallel play is a really powerful support tool.

    Nested rainbow hearts drawn with crayons. Rainbow sorted colored pencils and art supplies to the left.

    The Power of Choice

    Another opportunity for choice is how we do math or reading or handwriting. I made this list so David can choose between a handful of ways to engage with each subject.

    Choose Your Adventure homeschool list with options for math, reading, writing, music, spanish, and science.

    We’re still finding our cadence with this. There are enough options we can mix things up by choosing something new each day. Or avoid repeating what we did yesterday. Our list is laminated so we can keep track.

    I believe this approach (freedom within structure) encourages self directed learning that can continue throughout life. Education should kindle our interests and curiosity.

    My own home education was similar. My mom was very hands on in elementary, but as I got older I was completely self directed. And I just never stopped learning. I wasn’t doing it because I had to. I was doing it because I love to learn. By the time I got to university my professors just laughed because I took electives that “didn’t count for anything.” 😂

    After Lunch

    We also have an afternoon list of activities he can do any time after lunch. These are often sensory reset breaks between the more structured “school work” above.

    Afternoon list of activities with a watercolor illustration including educational apps, TV, movement and sensory activites.

    The goal is to be completely done with schoolwork before 3pm. That’s the time of day David is allowed to play Zelda (otherwise he would choose Zelda 24/7). Right now that is proving a strong enough motivation for him to persevere on the tough days.

    This is how we’re navigating the tension of structure and freedom. But there’s a lot more to how we home educate. Sensory supports, field trips, gardening, baking, nature walks.

    I’ve created a landing page for home education that you can browse here.

    Or take a peek at our home brew curriculum.

    Read more: Home Ed. Rhythms

  • Home Brew Home Education

    A record of the books and resources we are using for home education.

    We didn’t buy everything at once, but have been collecting resources gradually.

    Books laying on an outdoor table including a children's dictionary and handwriting book
    A Note on Affiliate Links

    All of the links you’ll find here point to Bookshop.org. This is a cool bookshop where online orders can support your local bookstore. (Yes, yours!)

    My intention is to give you all the information you need to buy the book wherever you wish. (Including secondhand! We often buy books secondhand. Our favorite used bookshops and tips for finding books on a budget are at Free and Secondhand Books.

    You can see all our home education books in one place click here.

    Aside from Bookshop.org none of the links on this page are affiliate.

    Science 🐞

    Child holds Insect Field Guide over face

    Insects of North America Pocket Guide

    Gorgeous photos. Easy navigation. It holds a LOT considering it’s size.

    So far we’ve found 2 bugs that weren’t included. Yellow Jacket we found in the dictionary. Milkweed Beetle we identified with iPhone’s visual look up feature.

    Even if it doesn’t have every insect, it’s nice to have a physical book to flip through. I keep our field guides on the table each morning while we have breakfast outside.

    No word of a lie – while I was typing this up David spotted a butterfly out the window I asked him what kind it was and he said – correctly, “Western Tiger Swallowtail.”

    Hand holding Birds of Arkansas book with sunflower leaves in the background

    Birds of Arkansas

    Again, beautiful photos. Color coded by the predominant color of the bird. I loved having an option that only included birds local to us. There is whole series of these.

    Cloudspotting books

    David’s been asking a lot of questions about clouds so I recently purchased Cloudspotting for Beginners and The Cloud Collectors Handbook.

    Both were recommended by Austin Kleon. The smaller one has photographs and the larger one has colored pencil style illustrations (like the cover.)

    For biology we are using (out of print) flapbook Usborne See Inside Your Body.

    And of course the Magic School Bus books. (And these out of print unit study books.)

    Cover of Magic School Bus Lost in the Solar System. Yellow bus rocket ship flying past saturn.

    I’m also starting to save Science Experiment Ideas for all ages.

    Language Arts 📖

    Children's Dictionary with color coded letters

    Webster’s Children’s Dictionary

    Gorgeous full color photographs. Lovely to peruse and easy to look up definitions. Letters are color coded in rainbow order.

    This also inspired me to buy my childhood dictionary, because it’s so nostalgic. This 80’s dictionary has fewer images, and they are all illustrations, but I love it. This book represents the beginning of my love affair with learning new words.

    Webster's Elemetary Dictionary yellow cover with push pins

    Language Games are really big for us as David has an asymmetrical experience with spoken language and reading.

    Handwriting

    We love these handwriting fonts to make our own printables with David’s name and the names of characters he loves. These are designed by a Canadian teacher. I love that these include right and left handed! Don’t miss the free printables.

    Handwriting sheet with ZELDA

    We have two different pencil grips. This one really tells all your fingers what to do. And this one is more of a gentle suggestion to open your web space.

    We also use the iTrace handwriting app.

    And a wipe off copy of Alphaprints Workbook (pictured at the top of this page.)

    I’m also making notes ar Holistic Handwriting to document creative approaches to handwriting that overlap with art.

    We’ve also added a magnetic poetry set recently for sentence building.

    Not to mention tons and tons of picture books and early chapter books. We love reading together. Maybe I’ll write about those another time.

    Social & Cultural

    I wanted a book to introduce the concept of homeschool and was so pleased to find this one written from the perspective of a picture book author & artist who was home educated.

    I’m including a few spreads just to give an idea of the style.

    Picture book This is My Home This is My School by Jonathan Bean. Illustrated house with child outside.
    Illustrated picture book of a homeschool classroom an energetic cluttered space filled with books plants and life
    Illustrated picture book of homeschool classrooms carpentry, baking, music, and exploring nature.
    Illustration of astronomy class with telescope and family reading in bed

    History ⏳

    Davy’s reading above his grade level and he is loving Magic Tree House books. We read them together and he also listens to the audiobooks (with his Yoto Player) to fall asleep. These would be great to inspire unit studies and there are companion books (called Fact Trackers) about the historic setting of each adventure.

    These books combine magic and history so if that’s not your thing this series is not for you.

    Art 🖍️

    I’ve taught art on and off since 2004. So I thought I’d share my favorite art supplies for kids. None of these are affiliate links.

    Prang Watercolors have the most pigment of any student watercolors.

    Crayola Crayons are worth paying extra for (for the same reason – there is nothing worse than a crayon that barely colors.)

    Crayola Slick Sticks glide almost like oil pastels. I learned about them from Austin Kleon.

    Stabilo Woody Pencils are similar with no plastic. I find they hold up better and are less apt to break. They’re expensive, but long lasting. I like drawing with them myself. You can also add water and use them like watercolor pencils. Or use them on wipe off booklets or windows.

    Kitpas Block Crayons are also creamy and delightful. I got lost of questions about them when I made my post coming out as nonbinary and queer.

    2023-06-Pride-Flag-Kitpas.jpg

    Canson Watercolor Paper is a great quality for the price and you can even find it at Walmart. Their mixed media paper is also good. The thickness really does matter for watercolor painting – thin paper will wrinkle up.

    For day to day drawing we use Melissa & Doug’s sketchpad or a roll of IKEA paper. But for pencil and crayon pretty much anything you have on hand will work fine – recycling cardboard and cereal boxes can be great for crayon and markers.

    Cooking & Baking 🥄

    Food Play board book of very simple food prep and activities by Amy Palanjian (she also shares tons of recipes for free on her blog and IG and has a flexible meal plan that we subscribe to.)

    Music 🎹

    De Colores a beautiful board book with lyrics to this song.

    Everything Grows another lovely book with lyrics to this song by Raffi. This has diverse representation in the illustrations. The lyrics are structured around a gender binary (boys & girls, brothers & sisters). I still love it.

    This whole series is great. We also love Baby Beluga.

    Little Prodigies Podcast is really fun to sing along to in the car.

    Am still researching language options.

    Considering gestalt language processing I’m looking into the audio lingual method. I want to prioritize learning phrases and songs (versus vocabulary and grammar conjugation.)

    Español 🇪🇸

    Saving this sample lesson to try.

    Japanese 🇯🇵

    Japanese Songs

    More resources and more

    Free printable curriculum from University of Oregon

    Apps 💫

    We tried minimal screentime for a long time, but when I started including more videos & apps Davy’s spoken language exploded. (We are both autistic and he was late to speak.) I am very selective with the apps we use. Here are some of our favorites.

    I often prefer to pay for apps because they don’t have ads. I’m not including any apps that constantly ask for upgrades or unlocking new content.

    Interactive Books

    There’s a Monster at the End of This Book

    The Tale of Peter Rabbit

    Music

    Prodigies Bells (Free! There’s a very cool game called Pitch Quiz that would be great for all ages.)

    Sesame Street defies category, but one of the reasons we love it is clips from classic Sesame Street including the songs Nathan & I grew up with. There are also games and clips from new shows. But no full episodes.

    Science

    Little Mouse’s Encyclopedia (Free & paid versions. A little mouse explores ecosystems. Lovely illustrations. Gentle music.)

    Geography

    Barefoot Books Atlas App David loves the flag matching game. He knows African countries better than I do now. (There’s also a book version I just found and ordered used for $5.)

    Math

    Numberblocks (Based on the UK show. A paid app and worth every penny. David has used this app to teach himself multiplication and other advanced math concepts in self directed play. There are games as well as clips from the show.)

    We made Numberblock counting beads with pony beads and pipecleaners that we are now using to learn about currency.

    Khan Kids (Free! This one is new to us and includes math and reading. You choose the grade level Pre K – 2nd grade.)

    Puzzles

    Monument Valley This is a beautifully designed puzzle game designed for adults, but David loves it. It has an M.C. Escher inspired style and could tie in well with an art history lesson.

    Polygrams Tangrams & a slow paced TETRIS style puzzle game. Muted color palette. No timer.

    Preschool

    David is outgrowing these, but at 3-4 he loved…

    Colorblocks (Similar to the Numberblocks app, but for colors.)

    The Very Hungry Caterpillar

    (Le, gasp!) TV 📺

    There are lots of reasons TV is a great educational resource for autistic kids. It’s multi media (visual, auditory). You can turn on the captions. Professional actors are dynamic and engaging (this is especially helpful for late talkers with gestalt language processing.) Kids can watch the same thing over and OVER to absorb the material.

    That said, I’m pretty discerning about what we watch. Mostly so I don’t end up overstimulated myself. And also because David is likely to echo or mimic nearly everything he sees (it’s a neurodivergent way of learning.)

    Our favorite shows are:

    Magic School Bus (Netflix)

    Old and new versions – we love them all.

    Magic School Bus transforms into rocket

    Puffin Rock (Netflix)

    A very gentle show that teaches both social skills and nature. It’s by the BBC so it has a gentle musical score and narration.

    Puffins blowing a feather

    Numberblocks & Colourblocks

    We love almost everything by the BBC better than American TV. 🤷

    In the US these shows are on Netflix (although they don’t have all the episodes.)

    There’s also Alpha Blocks, but Davy was an early reader so he never took to it.

    Sesame Street

    Davy watches this mostly on the Sesame Street App because even when we did subscribe to HBO it doesn’t have all the archives.

    Super Grover wears cape and knight's helmet flying across the sky

    Reading Rainbow

    It’s hard to find these episodes, but Nathan tracked some down on Internet Archive (and there are a few on Amazon and YouTube.) Sure, the live action is dated, but narrating picture books is timeless. Also, Levar Burton is a national treasure.

    Daniel Tiger

    Before Davy could talk he would hum songs from Daniel Tiger as communication. I also find they are very useful to play before we do something new (go to the doctor, gymnastics class, etc.) For those who haven’t heard of Daniel Tiger – it’s an animated series inspired by Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.

    My Neighbor Totoro

    This is the first film Davy watched all the way through so it has a special place in my heart. Sometimes we watch in Japanese with English subtitles turned on. Watching favorite shows (the ones you’ve seen a million times and have memorized) can be a great tool for language immersion.

    Gif-Totoro-Butterflies.webp

    Traditional Curriculum 🍎

    I’m mostly using a home brew approach (meaning I’m making my own curriculum from books and various resources), but we may weave in more traditional home ed materials for certain subjects.

    For preschool we used Oak Meadow’s Seasons of Wonder – which is full of poems, songs, and crafts for each season. There’s still plenty here for us to weave in throughout elementary years.

    Likewise we invested in a Montessori moveable alphabet when we were all in on Montessori. We’ve diversified our approach, but are still using that material for spelling, writing, and punctuation.

    Montessori alphabet hands are moving letters to spell sit

    We are also trying out the free Language Arts curriculum from The Good & the Beautiful. It’s made up of illustrated workbook pages and they offer PDF versions for free.*

    Heads up – this is a Christian curriculum, but from what I’ve seen so far it hasn’t proven to be overly religious. Your mileage may vary. You can also pay for printed materials if you prefer that to digital.

    Prodigies Music Curriculum is the biggest financial investment we’ve made in home ed so far. We signed up for this before David was talking and singing “Do Do Do” and “Re Re Re” were some of his first voiced sounds. It’s an investment, but the quality is excellent and I believe is a great fit for neurodivergent brains.

    You can start out with their free resources to try it out. If you don’t want the video lessons you could also buy a songbook and a set of bells from Amazon (that’s where we got ours – we painted them to match.) Or try their free app!

    Read more: Home Brew Home Education

  • Emotional Contagion

    I first heard about the Emotional Contagion scale while reading Becca Caddy’s screentime. It is a scale to measure how likely you are to take on emotions of others.

    The academic study says the mean (average) is 3.62.

    My score is 60 and I am more likely to take on negative emotions (anger, fear, anxiety).
    That means I’m having an experience that is markedly more intense than most people have when exposed to the same content.

    This explains why some people can drink from the “the internet firehose” (as John Naughton calls it) and still function in daily life while I find it impossible to continue coping if I am constantly exposed to anxiety inducing news or angry people shouting at each other. Witnessing intense emotions it physiologically overstimulating and causes dysregulation.

    The scale itself is in this PDF if you’d like to see what your results are. It’s based on self reporting your reactions to emotion so it does require a level of self awareness for an accurate score.

    Most people would be surprised by this because the stereotype is that autistic people lack empathy (which may be because we sometimes emote or react differently) whereas many of us are in fact hyper empathetic. Katherine May mentions that in this podcast chat with Glennon Doyle.

    It’s the same old story of autistics being told we are “worse at” dealing with something when we are in fact having a completely different experience. The test involves physiological reactions that your body has to emotional content and I’m amazed that most people don’t feel these things in their body. Food for thought as I consider boundaries with online platforms during an election year.

    Read more: Emotional Contagion

  • Customizing App Icons

    March 31, 2018

    Today I mentioned on IG that I force my phone to load the old brown app icon.

    I did this because it reminds me of the early days when IG was just for fun. But you can also change any app to any other icon. Like magic. ✨

    This is a little thing, but it’s something I interact with everyday and therefore part of my creative ecosystem.

    Several of you asked me how to do this. Here’s how it works on iPhone. (I’m sure other phones can do this too. Just search “custom icons” and your phone model.)

    You can see I went a little crazy with customizing icons last winter. 😂 But I never found a Notion or Safari design I liked. Instagram is usually in a folder, but I dragged it out for this screenshot. 📸

    1. Use the Shortcuts app. It’s free from Apple.
    1. Tap the plus in the right hand corner.
    1. Tap suggestion “Open app.”

    (If that doesn’t show up click “Add action.” Then type “Open app.)

    1. Type in “Instagram” (or whatever app you’d like to customize.)
    1. Tap the “Share” button with up arrow at the bottom of the page.
    1. Click “Add to Home Screen.”
    1. Tap default icon and “Choose Photo.” (I just did a Google search to find the old logo.)
    2. Type “Instagram” into the text box.
    3. Tap “Add.”

    You are essentially making a shortcut so you have to save the actual apps in a folder somewhere. If you delete them your new icons won’t work.

    Huzzah! You’ve done it!

    Read more: Customizing App Icons

  • Neurodivergent Boundaries

    Boundaries can be extremely difficult for neurodivergent folks to navigate. This is particularly true for those of us who were late in life to realize our neurodivergence. For decades I saw my autistic traits as my character flaws. Reframing them to ask for the supports I need has been a seismic shift for me.

    This is the first holiday season since my child’s autism diagnosis and I am drawing some lines in the sand about what we really need. I wrote these as a pep talk for myself and decided to share.

    But you don’t need a diagnosis to advocate for your own needs.

    The diagnosis isn’t a magic paper. It doesn’t actually do anything on an interpersonal level.*

    I was officially diagnosed seven years ago and even so I have never properly advocated for my own needs. It took my child’s diagnosis (and the resulting inner work) to reframe my autism and start to see my own needs as neutral and valid.

    Your boundaries do not have to be precedented. On photograph of milky way with mountain range.

    If you are also struggling to ask for what you need remember I am over here rooting for you.

    Your needs are valid.

    Sensory pain is real.

    Time to decompress is essential.

    I am new to all of this! But I’m sharing my story to help you all feel less alone.

    This isn’t a template, it’s just where I am right now in my boundary setting process.

    How I supported my neurodivergence when setting boundaries…

    1. I no longer make phone calls. When a phone call is required I say, “I have auditory processing disorder. Text based communication is best for me. Can we do this via email or text message?” (I don’t always disclose my autism diagnosis because it is easier for most people to understand a difficulty hearing. We don’t have to fully educate every person. We can choose to communicate the specific piece of our neurodivergence that is relevant to the situation. Or the piece that is most easily understood.)†
    2. I communicated what we need for holidays through a letter in the mail. The resistance I had to doing this was strong. But I wanted to set these boundaries in advance and didn’t feel able to do so over the phone. When I was packaging up the letter I thought about all the times I heard written communication described as “passive aggressive.” This is definitely from a neurotypical perspective. I wonder how many of these “passive aggressive” notes and letters are a last resort by autistic or neurodivergent folks whose needs are being misunderstood or ignored?
    3. I made a schedule. Important routines such as meals, afternoon downtime, and bedtime are fixed and in red. Places to eat that meet sensory needs have been decided in advance.
    4. I also included an informational packet. I printed some of my favorite pages from Andi Putt’s Autism Handbook(not an affiliate, just love her) and bound them in a paper folder. I put a sticky note that said, “More info. Please read the bits I highlighted.” I also printed a copy to bring with me so I can refer to it if I feel stuck in the moment.

    Does that sound brave?

    It was.

    I am still incredibly nervous about how these boundaries will be responded to.

    It has taken a lot of work to get here, but at this point I would be unable to visit extended family without these supports.

    Since becoming a mum I’ve noticed that I have less capacity to mask than I used to. And I simply cannot push past my limits without hitting a brick wall. Our last family visit ended with a panic attack and a mental health spiral that almost landed me in a mental hospital. The stakes are high.

    I’m not exaggerating when I say that I have anguished for years over how to set boundaries and what boundaries would even help.

    During pregnancy I signed up to therapy for support setting the postpartum boundaries I needed. But I was invalidated by a therapist who didn’t understand autism. If you’re looking for support try to find someone who gets it or they could do more harm than good.

    Four years later I finally worked up the courage to ask for what I need thank to support and validation from autistic therapist Steph Jones in a 1:1 coaching session earlier this year.

    Before I could set boundaries I had to internalize the fact that my needs (and my child’s needs) are valid. And I had to stop trying to make boundaries that were “reasonable” so I could ask for what we really needed.

    What boundaries did I set?

    Most of us haven’t seen this type of boundary setting modeled. So I am sharing some of the areas we asked for support. We all have different needs so your supports will be different.

    Don’t use this as a framework, but as inspiration to set the boundaries you need.

    1. Space – a private space to decompress. (We booked an Air B&B that fits our sensory and social needs rather than staying with a family member.)
    2. Overstimulation – limiting the number of auditory inputs at one time.
    3. Social overwhelm – limiting the amount of people present. (For us this means more intimate visits and not including the entire extended family.)
    4. Structure – we will be following our schedule for meals, downtime, and bedtime. Others are free to join us or not.
    5. Respect – I have asked that preferences to not be touched, photographed, talk, or make eye contact be respected.

    That’s it! Please wish us luck and send any positive vibes, prayers, energy, our way.

    Cheers,

    Sarah signed with a swoopy S
    fOOTNOTES

    * An official diagnosis would be helpful if required by your workplace, school, or insurance to offer supports and resources, but it little help in family context.

    † Because of privacy issues my insurance is one exception that refuses to speak to my husband on the phone. I have yet to find a workaround and we struggle through the calls together on speakerphone. If you have advice for this navigating supports in health care / insurance settings please share.

    Read more: Neurodivergent Boundaries