From the Compost Heap header. A pencil style illustration of a compost heap with flowers and plants growing around it. A bee buzzes by and a white rabbit hops by.
  • This Changed Everything

    My neurodivergent experience includes time blindness, which is magnified when working on a creative project and reaching flow state. This has some benefits, but one downside is that I have no idea how much time I’m sinking into individual projects.

    After one of the most creative years of my life in 2023 somehow 2024 was “Oops, All Admin.” My physical and mental health plummeted and you’ve watched me pivot and sunset projects as I’ve tried to rebalance my creative ecosystem.

    2025 has been an experiment in making time visible. I did this by logging time in a spreadsheet with monthly pie charts.

    I wrote a about this in March, but I thought it was worth checking in again after a whole year.

    Spoiler alert, my pie chart has become a north star for my creative process.

    My January spreadsheet started out by tracking writing and self publishing time like I do during NaNoWriMo. (Which is why zines don’t show up below.) When I reached days that I didn’t write because I was making visual art I added more columns.

    Pie chart. Stats in text.

    I can guarantee this pie would be almost all admin if I had not seen how big those wedges were and made the choice to dedicate more time to personal projects. Like my Artist’s Residency in Motherhood (ARIM) and my fantasy novel which I made a mood board for.

    Printed images for mood board in a pile on my desk including maps, trees, spirals, artifacts, hag stones, reflections, etc. My typewriter and antique keys are also on the table.
    Pie chart. Stats in text.

    When I saw how powerful this was I realized I wanted to track all of my creative projects this way. So you’ll see more categories moving forward including Mawd which is a working title for my novel.

    At the same I time I decided to migrate and completely redesign my website. Needless to say these were not the most balanced months, but I feel strongly about using this data to course correct and not to judge myself.

    With that in mind, I fully believe this awareness did keep the web design wedge from completely taking over the circle. And I managed to carve out nearly a quarter of my time to zine making.

    Photo of my desk with TETRIS and Wheel of Time Zines, scraps, ink and blue Aes Sedai mug
    Pie chart. Stats in text.

    I was still deep in the weeds of web design during March, but I knew I couldn’t continue the pace. I was noticing screen induced migraines and trying to spent more time on other projects. I also added a column for gardening.

    An embroidery frame holds a cross stitch that reads "I'm Fine". Back cover shows the reverse of embroidery hoop which is a tangled mess of navy blue thread. Text at bottom says March 2025. A Kindle Curiosity Zine.
    I’M FINE ZINE (READ ONLINE)

    By April I realized my dream of republishing all of my blog posts within a single year was not healthy. I’ve archived everything, but I use so many images and videos that simply importing them didn’t work and everything has to be reformatted by hand. I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever move everything. So I decided to focus on any blog posts I wanted to link to and have been moving those.

    This freed up a lot of time for various projects. The big pink wedge is work on my gleeman’s cloak to prepare for meeting Sharon Gilham, the costume designer for the Wheel of Time.

    May was incredibly balanced looking back. The weather was nice so we spent plenty of time outside. I made a zine about Chaos Gardening. Chipped away at my website. And kept working on my cloak.

    You can see the wedge for self publishing where I was ordering proofs from various printers (the very definition of “hurry up and wait.”)

    This wedge is even more well balanced than May!

    Almost a full color wheel which is funny considering June’s zine was Spectrum.

    Two zines and magazine clippings on a wooden desk with scissors, gluestick and pencils. Both zines titles are cut out magazine letters: Chaos Gardening with leaf rubbings and Spectrum with a hand painted watercolor color wheel.
    Chaos gardening & spectrum zines

    My cloak took over in July as I started recreating specific textiles from the show for new patches.

    It wasn’t long ago that I never would have dedicated this much time to something that was purely for me.

    Not my portfolio.

    Not marketing.

    Not for “content.”

    Just the joy of making something with my hands that connected me to a story I love and a community that is family to me.

    Tap to see my fluttering cloak in action.

    I’m now in a place where I see these kind of projects as essential to both my creative process and my mental health.

    This reset over the summer (when my energy is the lowest) was key to being able to self publish Entwined & Ember without burning out.

    Moving into August I was designing a lot of visual schedules and modular calendar elements for home education. I also started sinking some serious time into Entwined & Ember working alongside our copy editor. But I still reserved over 25% of the pie for other projects including zine making and gardening.

    Birdhouse gourds growing up gazebo of green pipes (a greenhouse without the plastic cover added) and a white metal house planter I thrifted beyond with morning glory leaves twining through

    I spent a huge amount of time making zines I did not sell at NWA Maker’s Faire (which I blogged about here.) It was mostly a great experience, but also exhausting. I pretty much crashed directly after even though it was only half a day.

    I keep wanting to attend more events, but when I do I’m reminded how hard they are on my autistic nervous system and chronically ill body. I don’t think I could manage a full day event – much less a whole weekend.

    Black and white photograph of Make a Zine zine using vintage text and an illustrated pointing hand. Visible text reads: What is a zine? A zine is a handmade magazine. Usually about a specific topic. Say Something. Share it. You can share physical or digital copie. Post on a blog or make photocopies to trade or sell. Leave copies in little free libraries or send to zine archives.
    MAKE A ZINE (READ ONLINE HERE)

    Suddenly Entwined & Ember were in final edits. Past years this would have been all encompassing, but you can still see 40% of my time put into other things: zines, gardening, blogging, even a bit of ideation for my novel (which was definitely a back burner project this year.)

    Collage papers and mini accordian zine on a wooden desk with a succulent plant. Images on zine include reflections, silhouetted figures, and trees bending in the wind.

    Launch month! Some of this was final proofing and the rest was fulfilling orders. I balanced the admin with zine making and two Wheel of Time related projects.

    When I started this anthology and art journal I had no idea how much energy they would take. I truly wish I’d tracked my hours since the beginning.

    If you somehow missed book launch Entwined & Ember are now available worldwide in hardcover and paperback. As well as free community copies to anyone experiencing financial hardship.

    Entwined and Ember books on a table with a teal green typewriter and library style drawers. Entwined has a collage cover with mother and child and hand illustrated vines. Ember has a burned wood texture on the cover.

    I’m typing this on December 29, but I’ve estimated the time I’ll put in the next couple of days. (I’m getting much better at realizing how long things take.) The biggest wedge this month is actually visual art! Which is something I haven’t had much capacity for this year.

    I’m actually working on diagram of my creative process based on this data for ILSSA’s open call. It’s inspired by a meander map showing the ebb and flow of various projects through the year. I’m still in the experimental phases, but if all goes well this will be the next art print for subscribers.

    What’s next?

    We recently decided on a printer for the limited edition hardcovers of How it Feels to Me – a picture book about neurodivergence and sensory processing I’m creating with illustrator Gracie Klumpp.

    We’re a little behind schedule (due to the print quality issues), but are aiming to release the book next Spring!

    Here’s a peek.

    Illustrated spread featuring a rainbow infinity symbol and characters who appear to be scientist, artist, astronaut and comedian.

    I’m not a spreadsheet wizard, but if you’d like to take a look at my Artist Log template and copy it for yourself you can see it here. If you’re fiddling around with it I recommend typing in numbers to make sure everything is adding up correctly. I changed mine every month so this isn’t really a template as much as a working model you can make your own.

    If your creative process was a pie chart (or another shape) what would it be?

    Cheers,

    Sarah signed with a swoopy S

    P.S. I “should” proofread this, but it’s nearly 1 am and I’m nearing migraine trigger territory. I may come back or I may not. Honestly, there are more important ways to spend my time this week. 💫

    Read more: This Changed Everything
  • Boundaries Zine

    A few years ago I wrote a post about neurodivergent boundaries. I had the idea to type it up into a zine and ended up completely re-writing it. I’m making this one available as a digital download. Feel free to print copies and give them away (just don’t charge for them.)

    If you’d prefer to buy a physical copy you can do so here or join my zine subscription before the end of November.

    Open airmail envelope with blue and green stripes
    Read more: Boundaries Zine
  • Don’t skip this one. 🌻

    I have an important update today.

    But first, a peek inside my mental drafts folder…

    • 10 Years Post Autism Diagnosis
    • Finding Your Why (probably a zine)
    • Dynamic Disability (& new chronic illness diagnosis)
    • Embracing Supports (maybe a zine)
    • Discovering my Fiction Writing Process

    But I’m skipping over all of that for a time sensitive PSA.


    Tylenol does not cause autism.


    Big mistake.

    I logged back into Instagram after 8 months away.

    I couldn’t have chosen a worse time to do so.*

    Instagram (at least the current iteration) is dangerous to my mental health. What used to be a light hearted photo sharing app has now turned into another algorithmic dumpster fire.

    I tried everything.

    I blocked accounts, “curated” my feed, and did my best to train the algorithm. Near the end I even downloaded a social media blocking app to limit my usage to midday.

    I was already struggling.

    Then the autism news hit.

    Nope. I can’t be here. I’m out.

    I naively imagined that the next generation of autistics could grow up with less stigma. To know who they are and unabashedly ask for support.

    To see that progress purposefully eroded is gutting.

    My nervous system simply cannot handle the horrors and catastrophizing on endless algorithmic remix.

    And it’s not just autistics under attack. Every marginalized group is in real crisis right now. Science and education have been defunded.

    There is a new fresh horror every day.

    An embroidery frame holds a cross stitch that reads "I'm Fine". A second image shows the reverse which is a tangled mess of navy blue thread.
    Read I’m Fine – a digitized zine about self regulation & advocacy

    It’s easy to feel helpless when the world is on fire.

    That is what they want.

    But I’m not having it.

    Let’s self regulate and take one positive action.

    Together.


    My Action Steps

    Here’s what I can do.

    • Be autistic in public.
    • Model nervous system support for my fellow neurodivergent folks (and sensitive souls who may not even realize they are neurodivergent.)
    • Continue creating resources that educate about the autistic experience.
    My zine making area with Spectrum and Chaos Gardening zines, paper cutter, and watercolor wash circles.

    Your Action Steps

    If you want to be an ally here are ways to help.

    Choose 1 or 2.

    • Speak up when you hear misinformation and harmful rhetoric.
    • Share my Spectrum blog post or zine.
    • Contact your representatives. Tell them autism is not a disease to be cured.
    • Preorder How it Feels to Me (a picture book about sensory processing.) This is a crowdfunded project I am creating with autistic illustrator Gracie Klumpp.
    Three proofs of How it Feels to Me with a hand drawn figure surrounded by a halo of colorful objects. My typewriter, a succulent, and a stack of Spectrum zines are also visible.

    We just got a new set of proofs and are feeling very excited about next steps. After changing book binders we are a bit over budget – so if you preorder now it will be a big help.

    If you don’t need a book yourself you can also choose to donate your copy and we’ll be sure it gets to someone who needs it.


    I’m feeling particularly vulnerable this week.

    If this email resonated I’d appreciate hearing from you.

    Take Care,

    Sarah signed with a swoopy S

    FOOTNOTES

    * Why did I do this? Because I met some cool people at the NWA Maker’s Faire and thought maybe I should try and better follow local creative events.

    Read more: Don’t skip this one. 🌻
  • “On the Spectrum”

    When we talk about autism or neurodivergence we often mention a spectrum. Sometimes this is misunderstood as a range of intensity from “more” to “less.”

    Gradient fading from pink to white

    But you cannot be “more” or “less” autistic or neurodivergent.

    The spectrum is better represented by a color wheel.*

    Digital color wheel with gradients of all colors fading into each other in a circle.

    The spectrum is a reminder that every neurodivergent person is unique. Each color represents a neurodivergent trait: differences in sensory processing, language, socializing, focus, etc.

    But even the color wheel is too static.

    This is my attempt to illustrate the complexity and nuance of the spectrum of autism and neurodivergence.

    Watercolor illustration of the autism spectrum. A rainbow of colors blending into one another like a color wheel.

    For example, sometimes a person is described as sensory seeking or sensory avoidant.

    Opposites on the color wheel.

    But most of us are both.

    Here is an example from my own spectrum. I experience water in my face as overstimulation… a sensation that, for me, is worse than physical pain. My nervous system completely floods with sensory input and enters a state of distress.

    Bright red ink wash in a red circle with a small pink area near the center where red bleeds into white. There is also a cracked area where too much ink pooled in one place.

    On the other hand, in the context of a warm bath I am “sensory seeking”. The feeling of being (almost) submerged in warm water calms my nervous system and helps me self regulate.

    Bright green ink wash in a circle darker on edges and fading to white left of center.

    This is the same element.

    Water.

    But my internal experience is vastly different depending on the context. Supporting this sensitivity includes baths over showers, no sprinklers, pool splashing, or going underwater. When I interact with water on my own terms I find it deeply regulating and soothing.

    Then we have a trait like focus. ADHD is often perceived as a deficit in the ability to focus (it’s right there in the name), but both people with autism and ADHD can experience hyperfocus.

    This circle represents my hyperfocus.

    Deep purple ink wash in the shape of a circle bleeding to white in an irregular shape toward the center.

    I often enter hyperfocus when I am in creative flow or engaged with topics I am passionate about. Yet, I cannot reach hyperfocus without the necessary environment or supports.

    This circle represents my difficulty focusing.

    Bright yellow ink wash circle with drip bleeding off bottom edge and very little white in an irregular shape toward the right middle.

    My ideal environment for focus is quiet and solitude. (For others it could be music and company… or body doubling.)

    When I don’t have that I need supports like: a swivel chair for stimming, noise cancelling headphones, and more time. Because without access to hyperfocus I have to accept that tasks take more time. I can also become dysregulated by working in an overstimulating environment.

    The spectrum becomes infinitely more complex when different traits overlap and intersect.

    Watercolor washes of blue green and pink bleed into one another creating a deep blue toward the left with feathered edges of pink and green creating an incomplete circle.

    Not only is every neurodivergent human unique, but our spectrums may present differently from day to day and moment to moment, based on a variety of internal and external factors.

    Some spectrums of neurodivergence may not fit the criteria for a diagnosis, but that does not make them any less valid.

    Watercolor wash circle of blue bleeding into green. The shades infuse into one another and create rivulets that are reminiscent of the planet earth.

    Our world is technicolor.

    Let’s stop imagining it as black and white.

    Grab some art supplies and reflect on neurodiversity as you play with color. If you are neurodivergent what colors would you assign each of your traits? If you’re neurotypical how can you use this framework to support the spectrums in your life?

    Watercolor washes of blue and purple with deep purple toward each edge and feathery blue across the center.

    My zine making area with Spectrum and Chaos Gardening zines, paper cutter, and watercolor wash circles.

    Love snail mail?

    These watercolor washes were originally created for the Spectrum zine for my monthly subscribers. If you’d like a printed copy you can:


    Want to learn more?

    Check out my posts about autism and neurodivergence.

    Keep in Touch

    Subscribe for love letters to creativity and neurodivergence.

    Open airmail envelope with blue and green stripes

    Footnotes

    * I believe this concept was first represented by autistic artist Anouk here (@autistic_sketches on Instagram.)

    † Another visual I love for the spectrum of neurodivergence is this moving spectrum by Felipe Pantone on Instagram.

    Read more: “On the Spectrum”
  • Neurodiversity Affirming Resource Library

    This resource library focuses on autism, ADHD, and hypersensitivity as these are my lived experience.* This area of research has been a passion of mine for nearly a decade. I’ll do my best to organize things so you can find what is helpful to you.


    Not sure what neurodivergence is?

    Start here.


    I am wearing overalls singing books. I'm sitting under a maple tree next to a pile of books on a quilt.

    Hi, I’m Sarah Shotts. A late diagnosed autistic adult, author, artist, home educator, and erstwhile academic. Over the last several years I’ve been doing self directed research and collecting resources to better understand myself and my neurodivergent family. To learn more about me and my work click here.


    Choose your adventure.

    Drawing of brain with colorful paint splatters over the top
    resources FOR PARENTS
    Watercolor illustration of the autism spectrum. A rainbow of colors blending into one another like a color wheel.
    resources for autistic adults

    What is Overstimulation?

    I made this video to share my experience of overstimulation.

    I also find that my autistic traits are almost always rooted in sensory differences. So this a helpful place to start when discussing autism. Overstimulation can also be experienced by ADHDers.

    (There’s also a shorter 30 second version here.)

    “On the Spectrum”

    When we talk about autism or neurodivergence we often mention a spectrum. Sometimes this is misunderstood as a range of intensity from “more” to “less.” But you cannot be “more” or “less” autistic or neurodivergent.

    I made a zine to illustrate the complexity and nuance of being “on the spectrum.” You can read it here.

    Spectrum: a zine about neurodivergence. Paper zine with magazine cutout letters and a watercolor spectrum with a rainbow of colors blending into one another.

    How it Feels to Me

    You may also enjoy the picture book I’m co-creating with an autistic illustrator Gracie Klumpp. How it Feels to Me is an introduction to sensory processing for readers of all ages.

    Cover design test for How it Feels to Me - a cream cover with swatches of colors: blues, greens, oranges, the title and a dark skinned human standing at the center surrounded by a halo of objects: tokens, leaves, a traffic cone, seashell, and more color swatches. Written by Sarah Shotts. Illustrated by Gracie Klumpp. Proof #1.

    FOOTNOTES

    * I have been professionally diagnosed with autism, but also have traits of ADHD such as time blindness and difficulties with object constancy. Having knowledge of these traits and functional coping strategies I have no interest in pursuing an ADHD diagnosis at this time.

    Read more: Neurodiversity Affirming Resource Library
  • Chaos Gardening & Neurodivergence

    This month’s zine is Chaos Gardening: tips from a chronically ill & neurodivergent gardener.

    You can buy a copy or subscribe for monthly zines.*

    If you want a peek at my own chaos garden I’ve posted several photos and videos on my microblog.†

    Here is the wild bunny that’s taken up residence under my art studio (which I named The Rabbit Hole before this beauty moved in.)


    How it Feels to Me

    Here’s an update, on How it Feels to Me, the picture book about neurodiversity I’m co-creating with illustrator Gracie Klumpp.

    We’ve reached the proofing stage! I couldn’t be more excited to share a peek our progress.

    Click here to see more!

    Cover design test for How it Feels to Me - a cream cover with swatches of colors: blues, greens, oranges, the title and a dark skinned human standing at the center surrounded by a halo of objects: tokens, leaves, a traffic cone, seashell, and more color swatches. Written by Sarah Shotts. Illustrated by Gracie Klumpp. Proof #1.

    Unfortunately, this book is needed more than ever.

    Harmful information is being spread by the US government categorizing autism and ADHD as epidemics. Neurodiversity is not a broken brain! It is a brain that experiences the world differently and this picture book shows how.

    If you’d like to support the project you can preorder or donate a copy to a school, library, or a neurodivergent family in financial hardship.**


    What is autism?

    If you missed my last email I wrote a post called What is Autism? that breaks down sensory processing and autistic differences.

    Two brain scans. The one on the left is a rainbow web reaching into all areas of the brain. The image on the right is a rainbow ribbon traveling along the language center of the brain.
    The brain on the left is autistic.
    we process a lot more information in any given moment.

    I end the post with this footnote,

    “Being neurotypical just means that your brain is processing the world like most others. This means the dominant culture has been made to support the way your brain processes the world around you. You are surrounded by supports for your neurotype every single day.

    This is a concept I’d like to explore further. It really turns the idea of supports on it’s head.

    Click here to read the whole post.


    Novel Writing

    I finally finished the mood board for my fantasy novel.

    I’ve hung this right in my living room so it can stay in my consciousness.

    You can see the timelapse where I make it here.

    I’ve come to the conclusion I need to free up some mental capacity to really delve into this world in the way that’s needed. Turns out proofing three separate books for self publishing is kind of a lot. I’m being patient with myself. There’s no rush on this.

    Here’s a peek at my writing workspace.

    Laptop with yellow hobbit hole wallpaper. An edison bulb lamp sheds a dim golden glow on a goddess vase filled with pens. The workspace is otherwise shrouded in darkness.

    I set this up in the living room when it was too cold to be in the studio (and soon it will be too hot.) It turns out that extreme heat and cold trigger migraines so I’m afraid I am a fair weather studio artist. Accepting that my body needs what it needs means making spaces that work for me.


    I love seeing my zines land in your life.

    Here are a few photos you’ve sent me recently.

    Oh, did I mention I’ve started printmaking again?

    My I'm Fine zine, Wheel of Time mini zine and a campfire linocut print lay on a table by a row of blue and green books.
    A hand holding my Choose Your Adventure zine while wearing colorful yellow pants, striped shirt, and yellow shoes.

    Shoutout to A. Wilder and Paige Meredith Ray. You should visit their blogs.


    Ways to Support drawing of a white rabbit hopping into flowers

    The Compost Heap is handmade without the use of AI. 🐝

    Support doing things the old fashioned way by joining my Patrons ($5) and I’ll send paper zines each month with the coolest postage stamps I can find.


    Drawing of a tin can telephone and the words Let's chat

    If you’re reading this in your email inbox you can just hit reply to message me directly. I’d love to hear what you think. It makes it worth the time I put in.

    Thanks for being here.

    I appreciate you.

    Sarah signed with a swoopy S

    FOOTNOTES

    * I’m no longer digitizing zines. Due to chronic migraines I’m attempting to cut down on screentime. I wrote a bit about that here.

    † What is a microblog? Basically a social media style blog feed that I archive on my own site. I’m working on setting this up to autopost to Bluesky. I call my microblog scraps – evoking both a scrapbook or commonplace book and also the bits of kitchen scrap that end up in the compost heap.

    ** If you donate a book we are happy to find the book a home or to send it to the school or library of your choice.

    Read more: Chaos Gardening & Neurodivergence
  • Survivor CBS screencap. Eva confides to Joe, "There are times when I get super overstimulated, I call them episodes. I'll be stuck in a loop in my head and the thing that I need to do it to get grounded. What I need from you is getting squeezed. Take my hands and squeeze as much as possible."
The second image shows Joe and Eva forehead to forehead squeezing her hands to coregulate.

    This season of Survivor was close to my heart.

    Read more: untitled post 156078837
  • Our first picture book proof!

    Here’s an update, on How it Feels to Me, the picture book about neurodiversity I’m co-creating with illustrator Gracie Klumpp.

    We’ve reached the proofing stage!

    I couldn’t be more excited to share a peek our progress!

    Before finalizing color palettes and fonts we decided to order an early proof to see how everything looks on paper. Something I’ve learned about self publishing is that early proofs can really help save time by identifying problems early on before they multiply.

    Gracie put together a few spreads to test colors, fonts, and print quality. (Pinch & zoom to really get a good look on mobile.)

    A rose colored background with various figures hand illustrated under a tree and notes about the different brushes and styles. The character is wearing a sweater vest and plaid pants and is illusrated with a variety of different hair textures and face shapes. One is hanging upside down from a tree branch.

    Lucky we did because we’ve completely changed our printer! (But more about that later.)

    Here’s a really fun spread we’re experimenting with.

    This is a visualization of sensory modulation that invites the reader to turn the book upside down to see how the levels change.

    Volume level and dials across the page. Sounds in the red include siren and wind. Handwritten text reads: Try turning the book upside down! (Then, upside down.) Need to perfect this but, see how the levels are better now? That's sensory modulation. A note compares hard contrast buttons and lower light effect.

    The next spread continues on from the first page, “All brains are different.”

    “Just like all bodies are different.

    We can see some differences, like if someone is tall or has curly hair, but we can’t see people’s brains.”

    A cream page with a layer of grid paper cutout to depict a city skyline. Characters are illustrated in different body types, races, and ages. Some are quick sketches and those toward the front are more complete. To the right is a dark skinned character with curly hair and a blue halo of photographed objects surrounding them. The objects include: blue objects including seaweed, shells, and a ticket stub.

    Here’s one more peek at some of the character work Gracie has been doing. I love seeing the concepts I’ve written about come to life!

    Cream page with pencil style illustrations of a character in a plaid sweatervest. They have curly hair and mid tone skin. One vignette shows them looking through a kaleidescope. Another holding a teacup and tasting the tea with head turned and lips pursed. Another squatting down and smelling a flower. One holding a bunny on their shoulder. One holding a soda and listening to the bubbles with little popping stars around their head.

    These aren’t even finalized illustrations, but I’m already in love.

    Two days before my birthday I opened a box to find this beauty inside…

    My pale hand holding a copy of How it Feels to Me. A dark skinned human standing at the center is surrounded by a halo of objects: tokens, leaves, a traffic cone, seashell, and more color swatches. Written by Sarah Shotts. Illustrated by Gracie Klumpp.

    Holding the proof in my hands was absolutely magical. It’s real. We are making this book.

    And (unfortunately) it’s more needed than ever.*

    Imagine my surprise when I opened the cover found someone else’s book inside.

    The first 2/3 of the proof were pages from a completely different picture book. 🤯

    I immediately texted Gracie to check the second proof. It had a completely different (but equally egregious) error. That edition had a huge white bar down the center.

    The way this printer works these books were considered “final” and not “proofs.” †

    Needless to say we are investigating different printers.

    We’re currently exploring 48 Hour Books.

    There are some pros and cons.

    The quality will be excellent. We’re very happy with the sample book they provided.

    But, the books are going to cost more than we budgeted. We haven’t finalized how much this will be yet. 48 Hour Books just invested in new printers and updated prices aren’t out yet. But the difference is considerable.

    We’ll also be required to purchase a full print run (with a minimum of 100 books) rather than print on demand. This is the only way for the price of each book to come even close to our original budget.

    There’s also the small matter that each proof will now be $40 instead of the budgeted $20. But this price difference ensures books (and proofs) are made with care.

    I’m prepared (and able) to cover the difference in cost, but if you’d like to pitch in you can send donations via Venmo. I’ll share more concrete information about the pricing differences once we have that.

    Is this the first time you’ve heard about How it Feels to Me?

    Here’s a video from our crowdfunding campaign sharing the inspiration behind the book and our goals for self publishing.

    If you haven’t preordered a copy yet you can preorder here.


    Changing printers will definitely extend our timeline.

    But we’re confident it will be worth the wait.

    While we wait for 48 Hour Books to update their printers Gracie will continue refining the illustrations. Allowing me bandwidth to focus on proofs for Entwined & Ember (this is a big year for me!)

    THANK YOU SO MUCH, each and every one of you, for all the ways you’ve supported this project!

    We appreciate you.

    P.S. If you’d like to support the project and don’t need a copy of the book you can also choose to donate a copy which will go to a school, library, or a neurodivergent family in financial hardship.**


    footnotes

    * The US Government has recently categorized autism and ADHD as “epidemics” and is spreading harmful misinformation. I addressed it briefly in my new post titled, What is Autism?

    † The printer was Ingram Spark, for the curious. We’d already dismissed Amazon for the hardcover edition. (Although we plan to release a paperback through Amazon later on to make the book as easy to find and accessible as possible.)

    ** If you donate a book we are happy to find the book a home or to send it to the school or library of your choice.

    Read more: Our first picture book proof!
  • What is autism?

    I am wearing overalls singing books. I'm sitting under a maple tree next to a pile of books on a quilt.

    Hi! I’m Sarah. A late diagnosed autistic adult. I’m an author, artist, home educator, and former academic. You can learn more about me and my work here. This post is my introduction to autism and neurodivergence. It is based on self directed research and my own lived experience.

    What is neurodivergence?

    The word neurodivergence is made of two parts. Neuro meaning brain. And divergence meaning to differ. Neurodivergence means that your brain processes the world differently.

    Every human is unique, but most brains have certain things in common.

    Neurodivergent folks experience the world differently. Our brains are processing information in different ways. There are lots of types of neurodivergence including dyslexia, dyscalculia, synesthesia, OCD, dyspraxia, etc. Each with specific ways the brain differs from most people.

    My lived experience is centered on autism and sensory processing differences so I’m going to focus on these. But there is overlap with other types of neurodivergence (particularly ADHD.)*


    Autism is a spectrum.

    The most important thing to understand about autism (and more broadly neurodivergence) is that every person is unique.

    There isn’t one way to be autistic. There is a spectrum of experience.

    This isn’t a rainbow from “less autistic” to “more autistic”.

    Autism Spectrum
The Autism Spectrum is NOT linear (rainbow bar chart)
less autistic
very autistic
The Autism Spectrum looks more like (a color wheel):
Social differences interests repetitions sensory sensitivities emotional regulation perception executive functioning other
(Each wedge of the color wheel is filled in to different degrees.)
Terms like "high functioning", "low functioning" and "Asperger" are harmful and outdated.
    via autism_sketches on instagram †

    In my experience it is more like a color wheel that’s constantly in motion.

    via felipe Pantone on INSTAGRAM ‡

    The reason I describe the autism spectrum as in motion or flux is that my experience varies wildly based on external and internal factors (environment, clothing, health, access to supports, hunger, anxiety, etc.) This means my capacity varies from day to day and moment to moment.

    I also find that my autistic traits are almost always rooted in sensory differences. So this a helpful place to start. I made this video to share my experience of overstimulation. (There’s also a shorter 30 second version here.)

    That’s how it feels (for me) to experience sensory overload or overstimulation. The internal sensation can range from something like overwhelm and numbness to physical pain depending on the trigger. Remember this varies from person to person.

    Why do I feel things so intensely?

    Why might an autistic person experience “normal” sensory input as pain or sensory overload? Because our brains process information differently.

    Take a look at this brain scan.

    Two brain scans. The one on the left is a rainbow web reaching into all areas of the brain. The image on the right is a rainbow ribbon traveling along the language center of the brain.
    Image Credit: schneider lab §

    The scan on the left is an autistic brain processing language.

    The scan on the right is someone without autism.

    I love this image because you can see how much more information an autistic person is processing at any given moment. The non autistic brain is using a process called sensory modulation to focus on the speaker’s voice. The autistic brain continues taking in lots of other information simultaneously.

    I believe understanding sensory modulation is essential for properly empathizing with and supporting autistic individuals of all ages.

    I’m working with an autistic illustrator to create a children’s picture book about this. You can support the project by preordering or donating a copy here.

    Illustration of individual wearing a checkered jacket standing in a sea breeze with eyes closed. Around their head is a blue halo with photographs of blue objects including seaweed, shells, and a ticket stub.

    What this means about autistic traits.

    You’ll notice I don’t call these symptoms. Being autistic is NOT a disease or an epidemic. It is simply a different way of processing the world. There are strengths and challenges that come with being autistic. Just as there are strengths and challenges that come with any neurotype.**

    Autistic traits are rooted in experiencing the world differently. They are not deficits. They can be strengths.

    Let’s start with autistic strengths because so often we do the opposite. We rarely seek diagnosis because of our strengths. Therefore many autistic people who have the proper support structures in their lives do not even realize they are autistic.

    When looking at any list, remember the spectrum, no autistic individual has all autistic traits. Some are even contradictory. How many traits you need for a diagnosis is not the point here, but if you see yourself reflected in these lists you may consider identifying as neurodivergent.


    Autistic Strengths

    Source: AUTISM HANDBOOK BY Andi Putt, M.S., CCC-SLP

    • Pattern Recognition
    • Hyperfocus
    • Attention to Detail
    • Analytical
    • Creative Thinking
    • Strong Sense of Justice
    • Hyperlexia (early self taught reading)

    Having a hyper connected brain means we are often great at recognizing patterns and making connections that others do not. This gives us a unique perspective and can enable us to make art, solve problems, and contribute in meaningful ways.

    My autism is central to my creative practice making art and writing books. I made the work below to express the overstimulation caused by a single clothing tag. It’s been in multiple exhibits across the country including a gallery in New York City.

    White child sized t shirt on a silver clothes hanger covered in clothing tags of various brands and sizes.
    Metldown – Tap the photo to read more about this work

    Autistic Challenges

    Having strengths does not negate our challenges or our need for supports.

    Here are some of the ways autism can present (keeping in mind every person is unique and no one person has all of these traits.) Most of these come down to sensory modulation, but can externalize in different ways.

    Processing Language

    Remember the rainbow brain? That scan is happening when an autistic person is listening to spoken language. Most brains modulate or mute sensations it deems necessary to help you focus.

    This means if you’re in a noisy restaurant non autistic brains “turn down” the volume on other conversations, cutlery being sorted, appliances in the kitchen, chewing noises, and music playing. This happens automatically, but autistic brains do not always have the ability to “tune it out” and focus on a single sound.

    This can make listening, conversation, and learning spoken language challenging. We also process language itself in a completely different way – learning to speak in chunks rather than words. I’ve written a bit about that here in the context of learning a second language.

    supports

    Some autistic people are nonspeaking and use devices like an AAC tablet to speak for them. This is not a sign of lack of intelligence, but a difference in processing language. Others may use sign language, communication cards, or gestures. We need to respect all forms of communication equally and not favor spoken language.

    Supports for language also include closed captions on video content, more time to process spoken language, or text based communication (email or text versus phone calls.)

    Screenshot of AAC app. Icons of basic vocabulary (eat, please, thank you) with Spanish words under each image.
    Screenshot from proloquo2go an aac app

    Processing Social Norms

    Autistic people often have social differences. We usually communicate quite well with each other, but can struggle to socialize with neurotypicals. This too, may come down to sensory modulation. Being assaulted with sensory input we have to work hard to consciously process social situations that non autistics navigate intuitively. This is not a flaw, but a difference.

    The problem comes when we are judged against a neurotypical standard.

    For example, an autistic person may struggle to make eye contact because they are trying to read your lips to understand what you are saying. Or they may find eye contact physically painful because it is so intimate and emotionally intense. This is not a flaw, but is often perceived as a “lack of confidence” in a culture that values eye contact. Other autistics may have not trouble with eye contact at all. Or only when dysregualted.

    Autistic people also tend to be direct and honest. We can struggle with layers of subtext and take people at their word while missing the hidden meaning.

    SUPPORTS

    Never forcing eye contact.

    Understanding autistic culture has different social norms. For example “infodumping” or sharing deeply about your passions, is a way that autistic people connect, but is often seen as a social flaw by neurotypicals.

    Clear, direct language.

    Breaking down social expectations in a transparent way.

    Academic battlescars – a visual artwork about navigating schools without needed supports

    Processing Transitions or Changes

    This is a complex issue, but speaking for myself, I often manage hypersensitivity and social differences by careful planning and mental preparation.

    Small changes in plans can result in big instances of dysregulation (intense emotions that can present as meltdowns or shutdowns). A meltdown is an intense outburst of emotions (crying, yelling, shaking) and a shutdown is the opposite (internalizing and struggling to communicate.) Both are signs that your nervous system has been asked to take on more than it can safely process.

    With children this can be misunderstood as willful disobedience when they are struggling to process changes in plan or transitioning between activities.

    Autistic people are more likely to become dysregulated if we are overstimulated which is why understanding sensory supports is key. Another layer to this is gestalt thinking and episodic memory.

    SUPPORTS

    Carefully communicating transitions and changes.

    Allowing more time for mental processing.

    Having tools for self regulation if dysregulation occurs (fidgets, heavy blanket, etc.)

    Small toys arranged by color including red beads, marbles, bracelet, orange golf ball, carrots, beads, yellow spoon, cog, LEGO DUPLO, trophy, beads, K'nex, brown round DUPLO, wooden beads, drumstick, purple plastic shapes, k'nex, and beads.
    DOMESTIC ARCHAEOLOGY – making art is a tool i use for self regulation

    More Autistic Traits

    Autism is complex and it’s impossible to cover all of the possible differences in a single blog post. Here are more traits that some autistic people have.

    • Enthusiasms (deep interests commonly referred to as “special interests”)
    • Time blind
    • Motor planning challenges
    • Food aversions
    • Executive function difficulty (struggling to break down and prioritize tasks)
    • Echolalia (repeating words, quotes or phrases)
    • Literal thinking
    • Struggling in large groups
    • Preferring solitude
    • Hyper-empathetic OR struggles to understand emotions
    • Joy in atypical play (like lining up toys)
    • Rejection sensitivity
    • Auto-didactic (learn best by self directed learning processes)
    • Perfectionism
    • Scripting social situations (planning conversations in advance)
    • Sensory seeking OR sensory avoidant (or both depending on the sensory input)
    • Difficulty processing body cues like hunger
    • Trouble sleeping
    Watercolor cards with sensory supports and spread out on a table with art supplies
    Printable cards from harkla sensory workbook † †

    We also have various ways to self regulate our hypersensitive nervous systems.

    • Stimming (repeated movements like flapping hands, rocking, tapping, or bouncing)
    • Repeatedly reading or watching favorite stories
    • Creativity (art, dance, music, writing, LEGO, Minecraft, etc.)
    • Whole body movement (sports, walking, weight training, swimming, etc.)
    • Deep pressure to self regulate (weighted blankets, sitting on hands, pretzel sitting)
    • Fidgets (stress balls, spinners, rings, etc.)
    • Familiar foods or chewy sensory supports
    • Engaging deeply with interests
    • Safe, quiet place (alone or with trusted people)

    If you’d like to learn more about sensory processing I created a whole presentation about neurodivergence that digs into the 8 senses (that’s not a typo!) here.

    Logos for each sense. Finger for touch. Tongue for taste. Transparent body with heart for interoception. Ear for hearing. Eye for sight. Trampoline for vestibular. Nose for smell. Hula hoop for proprioception.

    Masking

    Something that can complicate a full understanding of autism is masking. An autistic person who is able to mask can sometimes push through situations that cause them pain or dysregulation. People who mask often experience a delayed reaction and may meltdown or shutdown when they are next in a safe place.

    High masking autistics often study and imitate expected social behaviors, but this takes a toll and uses a lot of focus and energy that could be used for other things. The ability to mask varies from person to person, but is a serious danger to all autistic people. Masking can pushing your brain and body further than it has capacity to handle. Over time repeated masking without adequate support and recovery can cause serious consequences to mental and physical health.

    Before becoming a parent I was able to mask in most situations. I could push through sensory pain and dysregulation because I had adequate time and space to reset afterwards. Now that I have less time I have to be careful to honor my autistic limits and use necessary supports to prevent a serious mental health collapse.

    An embroidery frame holds a cross stitch that reads "I'm Fine". A second image shows the reverse which is a tangled mess of navy blue thread.
    Maternal mental health

    To Assess or Not to Assess

    I believe the assessment process as it stands is incomplete because it is focused on external behaviors and not the internal experience of the person being assessed. This is because the autism evaluation was created by neurotypicals based on autistic traits they consider undesirable.

    I went through an autism diagnosis as an adult, but I’m not sure I’d do the same if presented with the option today. Identifying as autistic and neurodivergent was life changing. But I had to learn to self advocate for my needs. The diagnosis paper itself did nothing for me.

    For kids the issue is more complex as an official diagnosis is often needed to access certain supports (educational accommodations, etc.)

    Whether or not you choose to seek a formal diagnosis, remember that your needs are valid. It’s okay to share how you feel and ask for the supports you need. The real power comes in reframing neurodivergent traits as differences and not flaws. And learning to self advocate.


    How to be an ally.

    If you have an autistic or neurodivergent person in your life the best support you can give is to listen and believe them. The reaction that you see is based on their real internal experience and is not disproportionate or oversized for what they are feeling inside.

    Parents or partners of autistic people should always ask how best to offer support because everyone is different.

    Look for ways to minimize sensory pain and overstimulation.

    Protect space needed to reset and self regulate (as listed above.)

    Keep listening. And consider whether you may be a highly masking neurodivergent person. We can sometimes be the hardest on each other. Just because you can endure or mask through something does not mean every neurodivergent person can. not everyone has the same capacity to mask.


    What next?

    Check out my digital zine about the autism spectrum.

    Spectrum: a zine about neurodivergence. Paper zine with magazine cutout letters and a watercolor spectrum with a rainbow of colors blending into one another.

    Or visit my Neurodiversity Affirming Library here for my favorite educational resources including: podcasts, videos, books, blogs, and more.

    Infinity symbol filled with stars and cosmos

    * I have been professionally diagnosed with autism, but also have traits of ADHD such as time blindness and difficulties with object constancy. Having knowledge of these traits and functional coping strategies I have no interest in pursuing an ADHD diagnosis at this time.

    † Illustration by @autistic_sketches on Instagram

    ‡ Artwork via Felipe Pantone on Instagram

    § Brain Scan images via Schneider Lab

    ** Neurotype is a term used to describe your brain’s processing style: autistic, ADHD, OCD, etc. If you are not neurodivergent your neurotype is neurotypical. Being neurotypical just means that your brain is processing the world like most others. This means the dominant culture has been made to support the way your brain processes the world around you. You are surrounded by supports for your neurotype every single day.

    † † Printable Cards from Sensory Diet Workbook by Harkla (Affiliate Link)

    Read more: What is autism?
  • I’ve had a tab open for kening zhu’s post about rituals vs. sprints for nearly a month. It reminds me about something Katherine May once said on a podcast* about the cycle of neurodivergent hyperfocus and recovery. Versus a neurotypical ideal of consistency. It’s something I am still figuring out. Having experienced burn out I find I need to be careful of flying too close to the sun. But trying to force a structure that doesn’t align with my capacity is also not right. I’d love to hear other thoughts on this.

    * I can’t seem to find the podcast episode I’m talking about. 🤦

    Read more: untitled post 156078307